Just Don't Know How

15 October, 2012

The rush of joy
in the stomach, in the arms
unexpected, being rolled over, taken by surprise
yes, pure joy, could leap in the air
like a kid with his first bicycle, or Christmas
water drops on the outer lids
I’m early and I’m happy to be here
in a couple of minutes, be meeting them
taunt face, trying not to bleed the tears
the tears of feelings, strong, what the hell’s going on
movement of the head, camouflage for a possible on looker
mouth, dry, lips, hard, facial muscles, locked down

Then they are here, two boys, men
beaming, happy
heart jumps
bumbling about, a hug
don’t know what to say, really
fitting for the moment
everything too fast, out of control
just over rolled, wave of emotions, keeled over
nothing cool, stammer, nonsense
but happy, free

To meet, to look into their eyes
be happy, to look at the clothes, the hair
to see, talk of what’s happening, catching up
of who is in love, jobs
in between, oh yea, not to forget, the menu
what’s to eat and drink
jokes with the waiter
relaxed, pulling of legs

The sour bit, time to say au revoir
on the street, passers by
the water pressure already building
pipes ready to burst, the seals leaking
raindrops on cheeks, a quick flick
the loss in stomach and limbs, already mounting
the facial muscles, extreme control, again taunt, about to rip
a last hug, a last goodbye

And then gone

The leaving
the plucking of the heart
a tidal wave of emotions, over sweeping
not knowing where it is coming from, or where it is going

Don’t know where to go
don’t know where to turn my head
don’t know where to find a corner
don’t know where to hide the tears
don’t know how to hold them back
don’t know where to fall on my knees
don’t know where to let the river of tears pour to the earth

Just don’t know how
to just cry
deep, real deep
just cry